Lost and loss

I went to Sg. Besar yesterday. The journey there brought back many memories, most of them were wonderful ones and I realized that after almost ten years, I still miss the good old days at school. I was very quiet during the journey because of two things, one - so many unfamiliar things have sprung out in the name of development and I was busy reminiscing the good times I had at boarding school, two - I was brought back to my 'second home' to 'honour' a friendship.


When I was in Form 4 and 5, I sat beside a quiet girl named Bai. She was very good at Maths and Accounts that there was an 'occasion' where the whole class copied her answer sheet during a test, including me :P, I guess the teacher could guess it but she couldn't really point it out because the test was very technical and 'objective' - it was quite safe to copy hahaha.


Although we shared many happy moments together, yesterday was definitely not one of them.



FLASHBACK


On Saturday when I woke up for Subuh prayer at about 0615, I saw a text message from Bai. When I read it I was so shocked! Her hubby whom we called Cikgu Zaid, passed away about an hour earlier. All my faculties were attuned to the message. My immediate thought went to Bai and her three children and if I remembered correctly, she just gave birth to another son few months ago. I didn't know whether it's appropriate to reply her message or to call her. It took me some time to digest the shocking news. I then replied her message and told her to 'sabar' - I said that I pray Allah gives her strength and courage, makes things easy for her so on and so forth. After Subuh prayer, I went down and made a call to the only person I could think of, kak Ina. Kak Ina is a friend of ours at school and she lives nearby Bai's home (at least that's what I thought). I told her about the demise and she immediately said that she's going to visit Bai after Subuh. I felt a slight relief. I wanted to be there for Bai but because of a committment that I had agreed on earlier, I couldn't make the trip to Sg.Besar which might probably take 2 hours to reach from my home. At least, the presence of kak Ina would probably make her feel slightly 'un-unhappy' (I don't know what word to use to describe it, definitely she wouldn't feel happy, but perhaps the burden might 'seem' a little more bearable with the presence of those who love and care for you - my assumption lah). I dare not say that I understand her feelings, I dare not say that our presence will cheer her up, because I have never really lost somebody that I really care for and love, because I have never lost somebody who I see everyday, interact with every day and night. I have lost several friends, but I do not spend my day and night 24/7 with that person, and still I was very much impacted by the loss - I do love them but I am very sure when it involves 'spouse' I am very much clueless.



YESTERDAY


When I went to visit Bai yesterday, I almost cried upon seeing her facing. She was as white as an A4 paper, only her eyes and nose were the colour of a pink rose. I am grateful that my parents tagged along because the whole time I was there I couldn't speak a word. I kept on 'giving out' an awkward laughter when she told her boy and her girl to be nice, don't fight each other etc. Awkward laugh! I was so nervous! Bai told me many many things about her hubby, from how he fell sick up to the day she received the phone call saying that he's no longer with us. She kept saying that she didn't do her best for her hubby because she thought it was just fever and she's worried for her kids. Her kids haven't asked about their father but she told them that their father is with Allah the Creator and He will take care of their father. Her kids are too young to understand 'death'. The eldest son is only 6, the daughter is 4-5, while the youngest is only 3 1/2 months. Terkilan was something obvious on her face. My mom assured her that if she thinks that way, her life would be full of regrets. There's nothing we can do to turn back the time, and what she did at that particular time was the best that she could afford to do.

Before I went back, I took a glimpse at Bai's baby. He looked exactly like his dad, only smaller and younger.

***

Since the day I got the text message from Bai, I keep thinking how is she going to raise those small kids. When I went to M.A. class, in shower, eating and even when I was teaching this morning (even up to now), Bai occupies a big portion of my mind.

I guess when you see someone who's very close to you going through a difficult time, it makes you think very deep and perhaps the thought would last for a few weeks, and slowly you'll forget and get back onto the busy track of your life and that's it - life goes on. I know it sounds pathetic and inhumane. I hope I won't be like that. I want to be a concerned friend to her, and I wish to do a lot more for her, but I have very limited means, thus the best thing that I can do are, to keep in touch with her and to always pray for her.

***

May Allah bless Cikgu Zaid and place him together with those He loves. May Bai and her kids be blessed with Allah's love and mercy. Amin.